How to make a friend

How to make a friend:
Go into any bar and get stinking drunk.
Loudly announce you are
A sailor on leave.
Mutter that the end of the world
Is coming soon::::but you don't
Know exactly when.
Say out loud to no one
In particular that
'Citizen Kane' is the greatest
movie ever made::::
'Anna Karenina' the greatest
novel ever written::::
Duchamp's broken glass
Was illuminating::::
Say 'Rocky and Bullwinkle'
Vomits all over
'Beavis and Butthead.'
Once again loudly announce
You are a sailor on leave.
Pay your bill::::leave a tip,
And leave.
Everyone in the joint
Will be very happy.

On your swaying journey
Bump into at least
Three lamp-posts::::
Excusing yourself profusely.
Think of jumping into
The river::::but there is
No river::::so forget about it.

Find a payphone and call
A random number and tell
Them they've been specially
Chosen::::that you are the president
Of Lithuania, and need advice.
Ask the first stray dog
You see for a dance,
Then wait patiently
Together for the music
To begin. Sit at a bus-stop
Wait for someone to sit
Beside you and strike up
A pleasant conversation,
And when they finally ask
You what you do for a living,
Say you're a phenomenologist::::
But right now you're
In between jobs.
Go into a convenience
Store and ask the cashier
What they think the time is,
And when they point
To the clock on the wall
Say, yes, but what do you
Think the time is.
Chase a few birds.
Pick up a feather or two.
Go into McDonald's
And request a job
Application. Go to the
Library, challenge the
Librarian to a game of
'hide.and-seek': You are it::::
and when she runs
to hide::::quietly slip out
the front door. Return
to the street::::enter a
restaurant::::sit down::::
order an egg sandwich.
After it arrives, place
A feather or two in it,
Take a bite::::open the
Sandwich, hail the waitress
Over and point to the
Feather(s)::::"There are
Feathers in my egg"
Become indignant, get up::::
Mumble about not paying::::
Go out. If you are bitten
By a snake, catch
the snake (recommended)
to take to the emergency room::::
otherwise you must
make a drawing of the
snake, or grab a camera and take
its picture, or rush headlong
to the library to find
a book to check out
with a picture of the
snake in it (Where is she!)::::
or, you can simply describe
the snake to the doctor
in hopes that your description
is accurate enough::::otherwise
you just might receive
the wrong anti-venom.
When in the emergency room
Be sure to whine.
Walking down the street again
Smile to everyone who is the
Exact same height as you,
Snarl to those who are
Taller, and stick your tongue
Out to those who are
Shorter. Return to the
Stray dog, who is of course
Still sitting there waiting
Patiently for the music to begin.
Take his forepaws in your
Hands, and begin humming
A melody, then begin dancing
With the dog. This is your friend.

What Aerosols!

Graffiti is metastasizing again throughout New York City. “The guys out here now are destroying us,” says Bruce Pienkny, who makes a living removing graffiti from factories and retail stores from Riverdale to the Rockaways. “Every other day, new tags are popping up. The cops got no chance against it.”

But if the New York Times’s culture editors are to be believed, New Yorkers should be thrilled. Every few months, the paper of record disgorges itself of an article breathlessly celebrating graffiti vandalism as a vital urban art form. Among the bad ideas that the New York Times has floated over the years, few compare to the newspaper’s glorification of graffiti for sheer destructive stupidity. City Journal

The Ad Council : Campaign for Freedom:

‘Developed following the tragedies of September 11th, the Ad Council’s Campaign for Freedom is an unprecedented volunteer effort from the advertising industry. The initiative is designed to assist Americans during the war on terrorism through the development and distribution of timely and relevant public service messages. This first round of PSAs for the campaign has been created to celebrate our nation’s freedom and remind Americans about the importance of freedom and the need to protect it for future generations.

According to research, Americans are looking for messages that will inform, involve and inspire them during the war on terrorism. This inspirational campaign is advertising’s gift to America on the occasion of its birthday, Independence Day. All of the ads conclude with the powerful tagline, “Freedom. Appreciate it. Cherish it. Protect it.” ‘

‘Main Street USA’, the weakest of the bunch, is pure flag-waving (literally…). ‘Church’, ‘Library’, and ‘Diner’ revolve around a “What if America weren’t America?” theme, wryly acknowledging that the threat to the country since 9-11 comes not just from the terrorists but the Justice Dept. as well. [Requires a broadband connection].

Poll Analysis: Nader not responsible for Gore’s loss

Sam Smith writes:

A study by the Progressive Review of national and Florida polls during the 2000 election indicates that Ralph Nader’s influence on the final results was minimal to non-existent.

The Review tested the widely held Democratic assumption that Nader caused Gore’s loss by checking changes in poll results. Presumably, if Nader was actually responsible for Gore’s troubles, his tallies would change inversely to those of Gore: if Gore did better, Nader would do worse and vice versa.

In fact, the only time any correlation could be found was when the changes were so small – 1 or 2 percentage points – that they were statistically insignificant…

Democrats tend to think of Greens as wayward members of their party, which is why they try to browbeat them rather than convincing them. In fact, the Greens have less and less in common with the Democratic Party – especially since the latter refuses to stand up against the Bush war, greedy globalization, and the disintegration of constitutional government. Progressive Review

Where are the noninterventionists?

Brendan O’Neill: “If there was a strong opposition to Western intervention, then it might well be discussed in terms of competing rights – the right of the West to do as they please versus the sovereign rights of smaller nations. Instead, at a time when pretty much everyone accepts that Western powers should ‘do something, anything!’ about corrupt, victimised and poor states, all we hear is the word ‘responsibility’. “