Day: June 2, 2001

The 13 Scariest White Guys in America. Don Hazen: ” The bully is back in American politics. Intimidation, dismissal of

majority opinion, denial of scientific facts and aggressive scapegoating —

these tactics have once again taken center stage. Blatant propaganda

feeds fear and distrust, and the powerful and the privileged wallow in

the spoils.” AlterNet

To the citizens of the United States:

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up “aluminium” . Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”.

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed” .

2. There is no such thing as “US English” . We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for “shit”.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

“Girl pressures. Mafia beefs. High blood pressure. A difficult boss. Listen to what’s bugging two real-life New York gangsters in these secret FBI wiretaps. The ‘Frank & Fritzy Show’ is the inaugural series on The Wiretap Network, with a new episode every week. Great solution for your end-of-season Sopranos jones.

Bad Heir Day. In a New York Times op-ed piece, Paul Krugman calls the Bush tax plan “bizarre”, “weird”, “a joke. But if the administration has its way, the joke is on

us. For the bill is absurd by design. The administration, knowing that its tax cut

wouldn’t fit into any responsible budget, pushed through a bill that contains the

things it wanted most — big tax cuts for the very, very rich — and used

whatever accounting gimmicks it could find to make the overall budget impact

seem smaller than it is. The idea is that when the absurdities become apparent —

when mobs of angry junior vice presidents from New Jersey start demonstrating

against the A.M.T., or when elderly multimillionaires develop a suspiciously high

rate of fatal accidents — Congress will always respond with further tax cuts. And

if the result of all those tax cuts is to prevent the government from ever providing

the things Mr. Bush promised during the campaign, like prescription drug

coverage under Medicare or increased aid to education — well, that was also

part of the plan.”

Many in G.O.P. Remain Bullish in Face of Senate Loss: “Confronting the loss of the first

all-Republican government in nearly 50

years, after a scant four months in power,

many conservatives profess to be

undaunted… Conservatives have concluded that it is Mr. Jeffords who is to blame for the

sudden Senate power shift, not them — an argument that Mr. Lott was more than

happy to embrace on his own behalf.” New York Times Mr. Lott even admits he included Jeffords in the ‘Singing Senators’ barbershop quartet to “keep (him) feeling like he was part of the family.” [the ingrate!] And Joe Conason: Ready for Slime Time:Critics Slander

Jeffords. “These conservatives, who in previous years have welcomed every Democratic

turncoat with glee and gloating, didn’t notice how ridiculous they sounded when

they suddenly began to wail about the treachery of the Jeffords move. Nor did they

seem to realize that by spraying him with venom, they might gradually push other

moderate Republicans toward a similar crisis… Mr. Jeffords was well aware that his decision would rupture old

friendships, as he regretfully predicted the other day. After observing how his

party’s enforcers treated the Clintons and anyone else who got in their way in

recent years, he may well have anticipated the treatment he’s getting now.” New York Observer Jeffords receives death threats after party switch, accompanied by plainclothes Capitol Police since his announcement. USAToday

And good ol’ Molly Ivins says in The Nation: “When Texas sent the nation Billy Bob Forehead for President, we did, in fact, try to

warn y’all about (Karl) Rove. He not only goes after Democrats, his record of attacking

Republicans who cross him is equally distinguished. Rumor and slur campaigns are

among his favorite methods. He started using dirty tricks when he was with the College

Republicans and has since been linked to the rumors that Ann Richards is a lesbian (a

perennial for any woman in politics), that John McCain is crazy as a result of his years in

prison camp and several other notable doozies. The campaign against McCain in South

Carolina during the primaries was a Rove classic. McCain was simultaneously rumored

to be gay and a tomcat who cheats on his wife, who in turn was rumored to be a drug

addict. The news that McCain has a black daughter (adopted from Bangladesh) was

spread judiciously under the radar of the national media. Anonymous leaflets put under

the windshield wipers of cars parked at white fundamentalist churches on Sunday are

good for this purpose, as are certain radio call-in shows.”

McCain is Considering Leaving the G.O.P. Trying to build a centrist wing of the Republicans, in a widening rift with the President’s faction, and privately meeting last weekend with at least three prominent Democrats about defecting. Washington Post

FTC’s guide to identity theft [PDF download; via Red Rock Eaters]

John Shirley: along came George W: “And when I was a kid, the movie The Fly, with Vincent Price, truly horrified

me. Especially the part where the little half-fly/half-man was caught in a

spider’s web screaming, “Help me, help meeeee!” as the spider crept closer.

Gave me nightmares. And—I admit it, me a horror writer—that’s why I never

saw the Cronenborg remake.” Spark Here’s John Shirley’s web site.