“Justices of the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court ruled 5-2 Monday in favor of full, equal, and mandatory gay marriages for all citizens. The order nullifies all pre-existing heterosexual marriages and lays the groundwork for the 2.4 million compulsory same-sex marriages that will take place in the state by May 15.

‘As we are all aware, it’s simply not possible for gay marriage and heterosexual marriage to co-exist,’ Massachusetts Chief Justice Margaret H. Marshall said. ‘Our ruling in November was just the first step toward creating an all-gay Massachusetts.'” —The Onion