A reader posted this to Dave Farber’s IP mailing list:

I wanted to send out some sort of holiday greeting to my friends, but it is

so difficult in today’s world to know exactly what to say without offending

someone. So I met with my attorney today, and on his advice (and after $299

in attorneys fees) I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an

environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, nonaddictive

gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within

the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or

secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular

persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice

religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically

uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar

year 2004, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other

cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not

to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is

the only “AMERICA” in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the

race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual

preference of the wishes.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is

subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no

alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to

actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void

where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the

wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual

application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance

of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is

limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole

discretion of the wisher…

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Disclaimer:

No trees were harmed in the sending of this message, however, a significant

number of electrons were inconvenienced.