How to make a friend
How to make a friend:
Go into any bar and get stinking drunk.
Loudly announce you are
A sailor on leave.
Mutter that the end of the world
Is coming soon::::but you don't
Know exactly when.
Say out loud to no one
In particular that
'Citizen Kane' is the greatest
movie ever made::::
'Anna Karenina' the greatest
novel ever written::::
Duchamp's broken glass
Was illuminating::::
Say 'Rocky and Bullwinkle'
Vomits all over
'Beavis and Butthead.'
Once again loudly announce
You are a sailor on leave.
Pay your bill::::leave a tip,
And leave.
Everyone in the joint
Will be very happy.
On your swaying journey
Bump into at least
Three lamp-posts::::
Excusing yourself profusely.
Think of jumping into
The river::::but there is
No river::::so forget about it.
Find a payphone and call
A random number and tell
Them they've been specially
Chosen::::that you are the president
Of Lithuania, and need advice.
Ask the first stray dog
You see for a dance,
Then wait patiently
Together for the music
To begin. Sit at a bus-stop
Wait for someone to sit
Beside you and strike up
A pleasant conversation,
And when they finally ask
You what you do for a living,
Say you're a phenomenologist::::
But right now you're
In between jobs.
Go into a convenience
Store and ask the cashier
What they think the time is,
And when they point
To the clock on the wall
Say, yes, but what do you
Think the time is.
Chase a few birds.
Pick up a feather or two.
Go into McDonald's
And request a job
Application. Go to the
Library, challenge the
Librarian to a game of
'hide.and-seek': You are it::::
and when she runs
to hide::::quietly slip out
the front door. Return
to the street::::enter a
restaurant::::sit down::::
order an egg sandwich.
After it arrives, place
A feather or two in it,
Take a bite::::open the
Sandwich, hail the waitress
Over and point to the
Feather(s)::::"There are
Feathers in my egg"
Become indignant, get up::::
Mumble about not paying::::
Go out. If you are bitten
By a snake, catch
the snake (recommended)
to take to the emergency room::::
otherwise you must
make a drawing of the
snake, or grab a camera and take
its picture, or rush headlong
to the library to find
a book to check out
with a picture of the
snake in it (Where is she!)::::
or, you can simply describe
the snake to the doctor
in hopes that your description
is accurate enough::::otherwise
you just might receive
the wrong anti-venom.
When in the emergency room
Be sure to whine.
Walking down the street again
Smile to everyone who is the
Exact same height as you,
Snarl to those who are
Taller, and stick your tongue
Out to those who are
Shorter. Return to the
Stray dog, who is of course
Still sitting there waiting
Patiently for the music to begin.
Take his forepaws in your
Hands, and begin humming
A melody, then begin dancing
With the dog. This is your friend.
