How to handle telemarketers. Some of these, forwarded by a reader, seem promising:

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for

bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you

want to know?” Alternately, you can tell them, “I’m so glad you

asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all

these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore,

my car won’t start…” When they try to get to the sell, just

keep talking about your problems.

3. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to

spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then

ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal

questions or questions about their company for as long as

necessary.

4. This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: “Hi, my name

is Judy and I’m with XYZ Company…” You: (Wait for a second)

With a real husky voice ask, “What are you wearing?”

5. Cry out in surprise, “Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy,

how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief

moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know

you from.

6. Say “No”, over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each

one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak.

This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and

Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, “I don’t

have any friends…would YOU be my friend?”

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get blood out?

Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?”

9. Ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell

them that you could not just give your credit card number to a

complete stranger.

10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company,

they often can’t sell to their fellow employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a

telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream “Oh my

God!!!” and then hang-up.

12. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them

if they will give you their HOME phone number, you will call them

back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out

their HOME number, you say “I guess you don’t want anyone

bothering you at home, right?” The telemarketer will agree and

you say, “Now you know how I feel!” Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please

hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at

your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your

dinner conversation.

15. Tell the telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask

if they could bring you some beer.

16. Tell the telemarketer, “Okay, I will listen to you. But I

should probably tell you, I’m not wearing any clothes.”

17. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a

joke. “Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your

momma?”

18. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to

speakup… louder… louder… louder…

19. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write

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